Undersexed and slumped-over

Can we speak candidly? I’ve never been one to write about sex. I don't think of myself as a prude, but I certainly have prudish qualities which bleed (I'm sure) into other aspects of my life/personality/everything. I wouldn't say that I am necessarily uncomfortable with the topic, but it is not one which I usually feel important that it be expounded upon. I've changed my mind. I’m in a sex slump.

On sex: I've found that if you are in a relationship but pretend like you aren't together - if you keep yourselves in a constant state of flux - the sex does not become infrequent. You want each other all the time. You get addicted to it like a drug. You worry about it because it's going to disappear. I mean, it's a bitch of a way to live your life but if it’s sex that you crave, there's your answer.

You may ask, why aren’t you having sex now, JP? Well, I’ll tell you why. Because I’m bored. Because maybe I don’t like anyone. Because maybe I don’t like myself. Because it's easier to sleep and not to have to look into someone's eyes. It's inertia. Or lack of inertia.

I wake up with thoughts of sex and they continue throughout the day. My fingers in his hair. His hands on my ribcage. His tongue on my neck. My breath on his chest. Little things. I can't go the rest of my life without having sex again, can I? Do people go nuts from not having sex in a long time? Is that a disease?

Nagging questions include: What do I do? What if I never meet someone again who I can allow to touch me like that? What if I fall in love with someone who is physically incapable of bending me in just the right way? Or what if I meet someone who is capable of turning me on and he's horrible otherwise? Or, or, or... God.

Now, does any of this really matter? Probably not. I'm realizing more and more each day that I'm not one to be tied down. I'm not one for relationships. I'm not good at taking care of other human beings. I should not be married or even hold myself to
monogamy on any level - not because I am a cheater or that I don't deserve to be loved, but because I am ill-suited for enjoying anyone's presence for longer than a day or two. I'm a misanthrope and I need to start behaving as such. No more throwing myself into a mix where I don't fit.

But back to the S-E-X. I'm a pretty girl, I know it. I'm pretty, I'm slight, I like the way I look without clothes, I try to pay attention to how I kiss, I don't talk too much in bed, I don't mistake effusiveness with affection. Why can't I just relax?

I need a Red Bull. And a good fuck. In order to dump the slump.